Scared To Go Back

In four days, I’m going to be on a plane back to San Francisco, the city I grew up in. While I’m very excited to go back, I’m also a bit scared.

There’s no denying that college has changed me for the better. Thanks to my time here, I’ve been able to leave the socially anxious, sort of mean girl I used to be behind and become a better person. Since I got here, my self-esteem has been, well, existent (which considering it used to be non-existent is a huge step up), and I’ve generally been happier, nicer, and more outgoing. And I really like who I’ve become.

But I’m scared that when I go back, I’ll fall back into my old habits. I’m scared that if I run into any of my old classmates from high school (which is almost guaranteed to happen) I’ll forget who I am now and revert back to the shy girl in the corner who was too scared to make eye contact with anyone.

Even if I run into one of my old classmates, I think that I’ll be able to handle it fairly well even if I’m panicking on the inside. But what if I run into one of the girls who made my life hell in high school? What happens then? Being friends with them was a terrible experience; they used every chance they got to make me feel worse about myself, so much so that I began believing that I was an annoying, terrible person who didn’t deserve happiness – a habit I still have trouble shaking. If I run into one of them, I’m scared that I’ll go straight back to feeling and acting that way. And even if that’s not exactly what happens, I don’t need another reminder of that time in my life – my depression and anxiety are enough.

So while I’m happy to be spending time with my family and the few friends I do have in SF, I’m scared that if I run into someone from my past, all those feelings will come back.

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