Panic! But Not At The Disco

I have just about accepted the fact that in all likelihood, I will be living with mental illness for the rest of my life. That doesn’t mean that I won’t stop fighting – it just means that I understand myself and my mind.

However, this knowledge hasn’t prevented me from making progress. A little more than a year ago, I was horribly depressed and anxious, had trouble looking people in the eye, and got regular panic attacks. Now, I’m less depressed, less anxious, and for the most part, I don’t get panic attacks anymore.

But it’s amazing how one little thing can set you back.

For me, all it took was seeing someone’s face in passing. One morning last week, I passed by and briefly made eye contact with a girl I had known at the beginning of the school year. One – it’s worth mentioning – who I had quickly realized would be a toxic friend.

And then that night, as I was going through the events of the day (as I usually do – I honestly can’t shut up long enough to go to sleep) I thought about her again and the next thing I knew I was having a panic attack. It was that easy.

In the morning, I had calmed down enough to think that one panic attack in four months was still a big improvement, even if it didn’t necessarily feel like it. But then that night, I Skyped my parents because I wanted to tell them about it and struggled to stave off another panic attack. And then once they hung up, I had another panic attack. I hadn’t even told my parents about my first one at that point.

And then the next night, as soon as the lights were off, I had another panic attack – this time because I was scared that I would get a panic attack again.

All in all, over the last week, I’ve either almost had or had a panic attack each night of the week and a few times in the day. And all it took to erase a year’s worth of progress was seeing someone’s face.

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2 thoughts on “Panic! But Not At The Disco

  1. Beautiful read, wishing the best. Ive had my ups and downs with mental illness. If you’re interested in chronic pain, anxiety, depression or an inspirational blog check out my blog :
Authentically mad
Thanks for sharing your journey ! Xox

    Like

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