So yesterday I wrote about how I developed some anorexic tendencies in my sophomore year of high school, and how depression and some really harmful friendships led to that.
So here’s the second part of the story:
In senior year, I started getting depressed again, and with that came more anorexic tendencies (except this time I hid it a little better from my mother).
So for reference, by senior year, I had gained back all the weight I had lost the first time around (about five pounds) and I had actually been really happy with that. Sophomore year, I had accepted that my weight was reaching that dangerously low point, and so whenever the number on the scale went down, I actually got scared. And that fear helped me get my weight back up to a healthier level.
But then senior year, something changed. Instead of being scared of losing weight, I was suddenly scared of gaining weight. I started feeling as if I had gained too much, and I decided that I needed to lose weight.
And then I stopped being able to look in the mirror. Because every time I looked in the mirror, I saw an ugly person who had put on a little too much weight and who could stand to lose a few times.
But my poor body image probably wouldn’t have done enough to get me to stop eating. What really led me to my self-starvation (because that’s really what it was) was my social anxiety. I ate lunch alone every day, and my fear of being judged (based on how I was eating, or that I was eating alone, or getting food from the mall alone) prevented me from eating at lunch. And since I was still eating a small breakfast, I started losing a little weight.
(I should mention that I was still eating after school, but that it wasn’t nearly enough to sustain me properly.)
And then I would lie about it. My mother and my psychiatrist caught on to the fact that I wasn’t eating at lunch, but I just blamed my ADHD meds and said that I was still eating enough, just at a different time. That was an absolute lie. I was always starving during lunch time, and really throughout the entire day. But I was in denial. And so it went unchecked.
Now that I’m out of school, I’ve tried doing a better job at getting over this. I recognize that I had a serious problem in high school, and I’m doing what I can to fix myself before I go off to college. But I’m still scared that I’ll fall back into the same patterns. After all, I’m still incredibly insecure about my body and my weight, and I have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror. So I’m scared as hell that it’ll happen again. But in the meantime, I’m going to try to work on my self-esteem and accept my body for what it is, and allow it to be healthy.
Note: Below are the symptoms of anorexia nervosa. Anorexia nervosa is a life threatening disease, and if you think you may have it, please, please, please consult a doctor and get the help you need.
Symptoms of anorexia nervosa include:
- Inadequate food intake leading to dangerously low weight
- Chronic dieting despite already hazardously low weight
- Depression and lethargic periods
- Fixation with food, cooking, and/or recipes
- Obsession with calories and fat content
- Sensation of feeling cold, particularly in extremities
- Intense fear of weight gain, obsession with weight
Find more information below: