The last two years of my life have been my loneliest. For a while, it didn’t actually seem that way: I ate lunch with a group of people for a year, and I thought these people were my friends. But slowly I began to realize that these people didn’t value my presence in their lives as much as I valued theirs in mine.
It was small things that made me recognize this. For example, a few times a week, one of my four “friends” pointed to every other member of the group and said, “the four of us should hang out this weekend”. Guess who they left out.
Or the time I spent an hour listening to them plan a birthday party for one girl. At the end of the lunch hour, the birthday girl finally said, “well, I guess you can come too”. Naturally, she forgot to tell me where or when the party would be. By the time I figured it out, it was too late to go so I spent my weekend alone, crying in my room.
And so I cut my ties with these people. I stopped eating lunch with them, I stopped inviting them out, I just stopped. But as I stopped eating with these people, I started eating alone. And so I was still lonely.
It honestly got worse after that. After a while, I felt like I wasn’t having any meaningful conversations during the day. This made me feel especially lonely because deep, meaningful conversations are the way I personally make and maintain friendships. Without them, I start to spiral, and I just feel more lonely and depressed.
At this point, I’m still really lonely, depressed, and anxious, but I’m trying to get better. However, looking at the future, I’m still scared that I’ll get to college and still be lonely, and still have those kinds of friends who make you feel alone in the middle of a group. But hopefully I’ll be better equipped if that situation arises.